According to my own news calculations, President Barack Obama is in China, Vice-President Joe Biden is in New York City, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Afghanistan. Who is making decisions in Washington?
Cleaning the Oval Office is just the best part of my day. The free world is lead from this room, and I am the one who cleans it.
Oh hey sorry fellas, I will be finished cleaning in here in just a second. Oops, hold on just a second, you have a fuzzy on your nice suit. Want me to wipe the smudges off those sunglasses? I don’t mind. Everybody gets smudges. What’s that thing in your ear? That looks different than my hearing aid.
Slow down, slow down. You’re telling me I’m in charge? I’m just the night maintenance man for this level of the White House! You should really talk to my boss, the Night Maintenance manager. He got his arm stuck in a revolving door again?
Easy, easy, let me think. So if I say yes, then we will abandon our operatives in Azerbaijan. And if I say no, then I may be accountable for the lives of an entire village of people? I vacuumed over the cord earlier tonight and I really have to—OW!
Well, I know that when you use a cleanser and it doesn’t work, you don’t want to add more cleanser to it because it might make the no-no fumes they gave us pamphlets about. Does that help? OW! You should not be hitting the leader of the free world!
I do understand how stressful this situation is! Stop hitting me! You are getting blood stains on your white shirt! OW! Stop it! You are going to want to blot that with club soda! OW! Blot! Don’t rub! Ow! And wash it in warm water with bleach!
Overheard at the Guinness Book of World Records Convention Afterparty
Standing at the bar: “So what record do you hold?” “…” “World’s tallest man. Right. Dumb question.”
Table 9: “Can I just say this plate would look so much better if it had a cat printed on it?” “For the love of God, we get it! You own the most plates with a cat printed on them in the world! Let me eat my hamburger quesadillas!” “They are the best kind of plate! You eat, and even if the food isn’t that great, you still get to see a cat at the end! It’s delightful.”
Table 13: “So you are the world’s oldest bungee jumper? Get out! I am the world’s oldest table tennis champion!” “Did you have any competition in the table tennis?” “None at all.” “Me neither.” “All my friends died.” “Mine too.”
Other side of the bar: “Hey there pretty lady, what are you drinkin’?” “Long Island Ice Tea, with a long straw.” “Are your fingers too delicate to hold a drink?” “No, but my fingernails might get in the way.” “Oh my God! I have to go! Wait! Stop! Let me go!”
Table 2: “Okay, okay, everyone just hold on! Hold on! Here’s how it’s going to go: Rick, you are going to squirt the milk out of your eye socket. It’s going to ricochet off of Dunston’s super-stretchy neck flap then through Jennifer’s widest ear-piercing, into Byron’s unhinged jaw. Ready?” [Moment of anticipation.] “YES!”
Parking Lot: “Fine, we can go back to your place, but we are taking my ride.” “That’s a lawn mower.” “World’s fastest. Hop on!”
Table 12: “God! I can’t believe how mean you are! You are the world’s biggest ass!” “No, that’s Troy. What’s up, Troy?” “Hey guys.”
Kitchen: “I’ll tell you one thing. None of these guys is the world’s biggest tipper.” “I know, can you believe that one guy with all the fur groped me and then said he was going for the world record for most honest mistakes.”
Standing at the bar: “So what record do you hold?” “…” “World’s shortest man. Right. Sorry.”
The Train Ride Back To Columbus
“Carmen Ohio” is the official alma mater of The Ohio State University. Ohio State lore observes that around the turn of the century, “Carmen Ohio” was written by a freshman named Fred Cornell on the train ride home from an Ohio State vs. Michigan football game—a game that Ohio State lost 86-0.
Come on fellows! Be of high spirits! The match wasn’t all that bad when you look back at it. Right? Our players, they um, they put up a good fight. It’s not easy to keep playing football for four quarters when you are down by eighty-six points, but our players didn’t leave the field! C’mon! Who’s with me? Celebrate full team attendance! No one? I see. I bet if we try really hard, we can find something good to sing about all of this. Throwing things at me will not change today, Charles!
How about we do this, eh? Let me just whip out some parchment and my good quill, and we can get started. Yes Charles, I carried my quill, a roll of parchment, and an inkwell with me to a football match. Well, it doesn’t seem so strange to me. What if a young lady wanted to give me her address so we could begin a correspondence? I have too had a correspondence with a lady! I went to Europe last summer, and I had like six correspondences! All I did was correspond! And they were European girls, who are more advanced at corresponding than American girls. No Charles, you can’t see these letters.
Let’s get this song started. What should the first line sung be? Charles, I should think a whole crowd of people singing those words would cause quite a scandal. It really doesn’t matter if it is easy to rhyme. At what instance would we need to use the word “truckers” in a song about a university football game? I must give you credit, your wordplay does make “truckers” work there. However, I was thinking of something more along the lines of “Oh come let’s sing Ohio’s praise.” And for the next line, “And songs to alma mater raise.” You have a suggestion, Charles? I can see by your gesture what you are making raise, albeit not helpful. Tell you what, if you are going to keep throwing things at me, Charles, I will just go into the next car and finish writing this on my own. Oh look, you got the whole car to applaud my leaving.
One last thing before I go: I will have my satisfaction! I am going to write three verses and you are going to learn all of them! What do you mean people will only learn the first verse? I think time and change will surely show you are mistaken, Charles.
This article appeared in The Lantern on September 30, 2009.
Two New Rec Sports Videos
Here are two new videos I made for the Department of Rec Sports. Enjoy!
Yo it’s Mark, I’m hailin from the 513, and I’m callin out the bluff handed down by Brady. Showin off my mad skills, shurkin off my worst ills, through the lips and back again like I took too many pills. Spittin game like Milton Bradley, rhymes and more but sadly, I can’t quit the lyrics cuz if I do they’ll end badly. Ya know I’m reppin the 8th Floor, longformin’ and then more don’t ask me to confrom cuz that requst I will ignore. I got puns out the dome, now I wanna go home, so just(Alt+M) and I’m ready to roam. Gotta cut a news station so I’ll FireFox, I had Internet Explorer til he caught the smallpox. I stand six feet (That’s three pairs of socks), not a druggie, hate geology cuz I aint down with rocks. You wanna test my wit, step right up and sit, I’ll be gatherin my lyrics gettin ready to spit.
Alright Mark, let’s see what we can do here:
Dear Mark Hale thanks for taking the lead, Like a trail of Reese’s Piece’s follow like E.T., But you’re just on the ground, I’m extra terrestrial, Prayin’ to get lifted but I’m glued into this vestibule, Catch a cold, sniffle sneeze, bless you, I thank you please, Sail on this flow, moving no where with pleasantries, I am on a boat, but it ain’t no lonely island, Sky is the limit but I’m starin’ at horizon, Can you hear me now, I ask you like Verizon, Can you fear me now, that’s your homework assignment, Can you beer me now, it’d be divine hoptimus primin’, That’s the end, hit me up by replyin’.
