This is the front of the Hanukkah card I made for my cousin Alex. He is a clarinet player in the Olentangy High School Marching Band, and rocks that reed like…Lou Reed.
Clarinet Hero is not yet available for any gaming console, and more than likely, will never be. To all woodwind fans, I feel your pain, and am sorry to lead you on.
The new Disney film The Princess and The Frog, in theaters everywhere December 11, has come under fire from alligator activist groups for portraying the reptiles in an unflattering, degrading manner.
“I. Am. Cold. Blooded,” says an alligator activist. The phrase has become a new mantra for alligators against the anthropomorphization of their species. “I would eat anything. I am not bashful or bumbling. Baby ducks? I kill them.” The alligator did not even raise an eyebrow at the statement, partially because contrary to the Disneyfication, alligators do not have eyebrows.
The Princess and The Frog features the first ever African-American Disney Princess. The Disney Corporation is taking a huge step forward from their dubious past with films like Song of the South. “I don’t get it!” says the Alligator, “Disney used to be racist across the board. The Jungle Book? That was at least racist to all people and animals involved. The portrayal of black people in this film is tasteful! Tasteful! And if they are going to use tact for black people then we as alligators demand the same!”
The Disney Corporation has responded to the alligator accusations. Ron Clements, Director of The Princess and The Frog, commented at a press junket today in Los Angeles. “I thought maybe it would be nice to see an alligator on video not hiding in a river and attacking a baby zebra.” When asked if he would meet with alligator dignitaries, he commented, “No. I am pretty sure I would be eaten.” In rebuttal, the alligator commented, “That is ridiculous! He would definitely be eaten!”
There are currently no plans for an alligator protest of any kind. “We will continue to use our most powerful method of persuasion: our jaws.”
Nostalgia is inescapable. It will get you.
Might as well have a decent soundtrack to go along with it.
1. “On Your Porch”
by The Format
Everything about this song is gorgeous—grab a kleenex.
Song Situation: Interview
I need to get this job. I NEED THIS JOB! If I don’t get this job, I won’t be able to afford rent, and if I can’t afford rent I am going to get evicted and if I get evicted I will wind up shaking a can on a street corner pretending I am blind! [Listens to song] Okay, I have had some experiences. And if this doesn’t work out, forget it, there will be another interview. I can do this.
2. “All My Friends”
by LCD Soundsystem
This song builds strong. Give the whole thing a chance.
Song Situation: Reunion
The bar rumbles, and I see his familiar face walk through the door. I haven’t seen him since we were roommates in college. Jeez, look at the beard. I am a completely different person now. This will not go well. [Song plays]. Wow, we fell back into step almost immediately. It stalled some at the beginning, but sure enough, inside jokes and everything came right back.
3. “Thunder Road”
by Bruce Springsteen
Try to resist the jumpy piano. It’ll make you think of every time you did something irresponsible.
Song Situation: The Getaway
I have bills to pay now! I get sick when I eat just poptarts! I swear, if that faucet does not stop leaking, I am going to scream! [Song plays. Dials phone.] “Hey, meet me at the park in twenty minutes. Tell everyone you know. Why? Because we’re playing kickball.”
4. “Goin’ On”
by The Flaming Lips (Last song on album)
A pretty blunt song about the future, but it makes it all seem okay.
Song Situation: Last Call
I had a really great time tonight, it was so great to see you! I wish we could do this more often, but everything is just always so crazy. I don’t have time to do this, well, ever. [Song plays.] How about the same time next week? Yeah? Awesome, can’t wait.
5. “It Don’t Have To Change”
by John Legend ft. The Stephens Family
Listen to this song. You’ll get it.
Song Situation: Home
I don’t know what to tell you Mom. Work is work, ha, I mean it’s not like my life is an episode of E.R. or something. The people are work with are nice enough, I guess, I mean we work together. That’s about it. [Song plays.] Well, let me tell you about Ed. Ed has the exact same tupperware as me, and this one time, at lunch, we completely mixed them up. And Ed is a vegetarian so…
According to my own news calculations, President Barack Obama is in China, Vice-President Joe Biden is in New York City, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Afghanistan. Who is making decisions in Washington?
Cleaning the Oval Office is just the best part of my day. The free world is lead from this room, and I am the one who cleans it.
Oh hey sorry fellas, I will be finished cleaning in here in just a second. Oops, hold on just a second, you have a fuzzy on your nice suit. Want me to wipe the smudges off those sunglasses? I don’t mind. Everybody gets smudges. What’s that thing in your ear? That looks different than my hearing aid.
Slow down, slow down. You’re telling me I’m in charge? I’m just the night maintenance man for this level of the White House! You should really talk to my boss, the Night Maintenance manager. He got his arm stuck in a revolving door again?
Easy, easy, let me think. So if I say yes, then we will abandon our operatives in Azerbaijan. And if I say no, then I may be accountable for the lives of an entire village of people? I vacuumed over the cord earlier tonight and I really have to—OW!
Well, I know that when you use a cleanser and it doesn’t work, you don’t want to add more cleanser to it because it might make the no-no fumes they gave us pamphlets about. Does that help? OW! You should not be hitting the leader of the free world!
I do understand how stressful this situation is! Stop hitting me! You are getting blood stains on your white shirt! OW! Stop it! You are going to want to blot that with club soda! OW! Blot! Don’t rub! Ow! And wash it in warm water with bleach!
Standing at the bar:
“So what record do you hold?”
“…”
“World’s tallest man. Right. Dumb question.”
Table 9:
“Can I just say this plate would look so much better if it had a cat printed on it?”
“For the love of God, we get it! You own the most plates with a cat printed on them in the world! Let me eat my hamburger quesadillas!”
“They are the best kind of plate! You eat, and even if the food isn’t that great, you still get to see a cat at the end! It’s delightful.”
Table 13:
“So you are the world’s oldest bungee jumper? Get out! I am the world’s oldest table tennis champion!”
“Did you have any competition in the table tennis?”
“None at all.”
“Me neither.”
“All my friends died.”
“Mine too.”
Other side of the bar:
“Hey there pretty lady, what are you drinkin’?”
“Long Island Ice Tea, with a long straw.”
“Are your fingers too delicate to hold a drink?”
“No, but my fingernails might get in the way.”
“Oh my God! I have to go! Wait! Stop! Let me go!”
Table 2:
“Okay, okay, everyone just hold on! Hold on! Here’s how it’s going to go: Rick, you are going to squirt the milk out of your eye socket. It’s going to ricochet off of Dunston’s super-stretchy neck flap then through Jennifer’s widest ear-piercing, into Byron’s unhinged jaw. Ready?”
[Moment of anticipation.]
“YES!”
Parking Lot:
“Fine, we can go back to your place, but we are taking my ride.”
“That’s a lawn mower.”
“World’s fastest. Hop on!”
Table 12:
“God! I can’t believe how mean you are! You are the world’s biggest ass!”
“No, that’s Troy. What’s up, Troy?”
“Hey guys.”
Kitchen:
“I’ll tell you one thing. None of these guys is the world’s biggest tipper.”
“I know, can you believe that one guy with all the fur groped me and then said he was going for the world record for most honest mistakes.”
Standing at the bar:
“So what record do you hold?”
“…”
“World’s shortest man. Right. Sorry.”
“Carmen Ohio” is the official alma mater of The Ohio State University. Ohio State lore observes that around the turn of the century, “Carmen Ohio” was written by a freshman named Fred Cornell on the train ride home from an Ohio State vs. Michigan football game—a game that Ohio State lost 86-0.
Come on fellows! Be of high spirits! The match wasn’t all that bad when you look back at it. Right? Our players, they um, they put up a good fight. It’s not easy to keep playing football for four quarters when you are down by eighty-six points, but our players didn’t leave the field! C’mon! Who’s with me? Celebrate full team attendance! No one? I see. I bet if we try really hard, we can find something good to sing about all of this. Throwing things at me will not change today, Charles!
How about we do this, eh? Let me just whip out some parchment and my good quill, and we can get started. Yes Charles, I carried my quill, a roll of parchment, and an inkwell with me to a football match. Well, it doesn’t seem so strange to me. What if a young lady wanted to give me her address so we could begin a correspondence? I have too had a correspondence with a lady! I went to Europe last summer, and I had like six correspondences! All I did was correspond! And they were European girls, who are more advanced at corresponding than American girls. No Charles, you can’t see these letters.
Let’s get this song started. What should the first line sung be? Charles, I should think a whole crowd of people singing those words would cause quite a scandal. It really doesn’t matter if it is easy to rhyme. At what instance would we need to use the word “truckers” in a song about a university football game? I must give you credit, your wordplay does make “truckers” work there. However, I was thinking of something more along the lines of “Oh come let’s sing Ohio’s praise.” And for the next line, “And songs to alma mater raise.” You have a suggestion, Charles? I can see by your gesture what you are making raise, albeit not helpful. Tell you what, if you are going to keep throwing things at me, Charles, I will just go into the next car and finish writing this on my own. Oh look, you got the whole car to applaud my leaving.
One last thing before I go: I will have my satisfaction! I am going to write three verses and you are going to learn all of them! What do you mean people will only learn the first verse? I think time and change will surely show you are mistaken, Charles.
This article appeared in The Lantern on September 30, 2009.
