Really Good Water

New Disney Film Racist, Says Alligators.

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 11:36:00 -0500

The new Disney film The Princess and The Frog, in theaters everywhere December 11, has come under fire from alligator activist groups for portraying the reptiles in an unflattering, degrading manner.

“I. Am. Cold. Blooded,” says an alligator activist. The phrase has become a new mantra for alligators against the anthropomorphization of their species. “I would eat anything. I am not bashful or bumbling. Baby ducks? I kill them.” The alligator did not even raise an eyebrow at the statement, partially because contrary to the Disneyfication, alligators do not have eyebrows.

The Princess and The Frog features the first ever African-American Disney Princess. The Disney Corporation is taking a huge step forward from their dubious past with films like Song of the South. “I don’t get it!” says the Alligator, “Disney used to be racist across the board. The Jungle Book? That was at least racist to all people and animals involved. The portrayal of black people in this film is tasteful! Tasteful! And if they are going to use tact for black people then we as alligators demand the same!”

The Disney Corporation has responded to the alligator accusations. Ron Clements, Director of The Princess and The Frog, commented at a press junket today in Los Angeles. “I thought maybe it would be nice to see an alligator on video not hiding in a river and attacking a baby zebra.” When asked if he would meet with alligator dignitaries, he commented, “No. I am pretty sure I would be eaten.” In rebuttal, the alligator commented, “That is ridiculous! He would definitely be eaten!”

There are currently no plans for an alligator protest of any kind. “We will continue to use our most powerful method of persuasion: our jaws.”

5 Songs To Be Nostalgic To (That You Maybe Haven't Heard)

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 17:02:38 -0500

Nostalgia is inescapable. It will get you.
Might as well have a decent soundtrack to go along with it.

1. “On Your Porch”
by The Format
Everything about this song is gorgeous—grab a kleenex.

Song Situation: Interview

I need to get this job. I NEED THIS JOB! If I don’t get this job, I won’t be able to afford rent, and if I can’t afford rent I am going to get evicted and if I get evicted I will wind up shaking a can on a street corner pretending I am blind! [Listens to song] Okay, I have had some experiences. And if this doesn’t work out, forget it, there will be another interview. I can do this.

2. “All My Friends”
by LCD Soundsystem
This song builds strong. Give the whole thing a chance.

Song Situation: Reunion

The bar rumbles, and I see his familiar face walk through the door. I haven’t seen him since we were roommates in college. Jeez, look at the beard. I am a completely different person now. This will not go well. [Song plays]. Wow, we fell back into step almost immediately. It stalled some at the beginning, but sure enough, inside jokes and everything came right back.

3. “Thunder Road”
by Bruce Springsteen
Try to resist the jumpy piano. It’ll make you think of every time you did something irresponsible.

Song Situation: The Getaway

I have bills to pay now! I get sick when I eat just poptarts! I swear, if that faucet does not stop leaking, I am going to scream! [Song plays. Dials phone.] “Hey, meet me at the park in twenty minutes. Tell everyone you know. Why? Because we’re playing kickball.”

4. “Goin’ On”
by The Flaming Lips (Last song on album)
A pretty blunt song about the future, but it makes it all seem okay.

Song Situation: Last Call

I had a really great time tonight, it was so great to see you! I wish we could do this more often, but everything is just always so crazy. I don’t have time to do this, well, ever. [Song plays.] How about the same time next week? Yeah? Awesome, can’t wait.

5. “It Don’t Have To Change”
by John Legend ft. The Stephens Family
Listen to this song. You’ll get it.

Song Situation: Home

I don’t know what to tell you Mom. Work is work, ha, I mean it’s not like my life is an episode of E.R. or something. The people are work with are nice enough, I guess, I mean we work together. That’s about it. [Song plays.] Well, let me tell you about Ed. Ed has the exact same tupperware as me, and this one time, at lunch, we completely mixed them up. And Ed is a vegetarian so…

Who is in Washington?

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 10:30:45 -0500

According to my own news calculations, President Barack Obama is in China, Vice-President Joe Biden is in New York City, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Afghanistan. Who is making decisions in Washington?

Cleaning the Oval Office is just the best part of my day. The free world is lead from this room, and I am the one who cleans it.

Oh hey sorry fellas, I will be finished cleaning in here in just a second. Oops, hold on just a second, you have a fuzzy on your nice suit. Want me to wipe the smudges off those sunglasses? I don’t mind. Everybody gets smudges. What’s that thing in your ear? That looks different than my hearing aid.

Slow down, slow down. You’re telling me I’m in charge? I’m just the night maintenance man for this level of the White House! You should really talk to my boss, the Night Maintenance manager. He got his arm stuck in a revolving door again?

Easy, easy, let me think. So if I say yes, then we will abandon our operatives in Azerbaijan. And if I say no, then I may be accountable for the lives of an entire village of people? I vacuumed over the cord earlier tonight and I really have to—OW!

Well, I know that when you use a cleanser and it doesn’t work, you don’t want to add more cleanser to it because it might make the no-no fumes they gave us pamphlets about. Does that help? OW! You should not be hitting the leader of the free world!

I do understand how stressful this situation is! Stop hitting me! You are getting blood stains on your white shirt! OW! Stop it! You are going to want to blot that with club soda! OW! Blot! Don’t rub! Ow! And wash it in warm water with bleach!

Overheard at the Guinness Book of World Records Convention Afterparty

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:07:05 -0500

Standing at the bar:
“So what record do you hold?”
“…”
“World’s tallest man. Right. Dumb question.”

Table 9:
“Can I just say this plate would look so much better if it had a cat printed on it?”
“For the love of God, we get it! You own the most plates with a cat printed on them in the world! Let me eat my hamburger quesadillas!”
“They are the best kind of plate! You eat, and even if the food isn’t that great, you still get to see a cat at the end! It’s delightful.”

Table 13:
“So you are the world’s oldest bungee jumper? Get out! I am the world’s oldest table tennis champion!”
“Did you have any competition in the table tennis?”
“None at all.”
“Me neither.”
“All my friends died.”
“Mine too.”

Other side of the bar:
“Hey there pretty lady, what are you drinkin’?”
“Long Island Ice Tea, with a long straw.”
“Are your fingers too delicate to hold a drink?”
“No, but my fingernails might get in the way.”
“Oh my God! I have to go! Wait! Stop! Let me go!”

Table 2:
“Okay, okay, everyone just hold on! Hold on! Here’s how it’s going to go: Rick, you are going to squirt the milk out of your eye socket. It’s going to ricochet off of Dunston’s super-stretchy neck flap then through Jennifer’s widest ear-piercing, into Byron’s unhinged jaw. Ready?”
[Moment of anticipation.]
“YES!”

Parking Lot:
“Fine, we can go back to your place, but we are taking my ride.”
“That’s a lawn mower.”
“World’s fastest. Hop on!”

Table 12:
“God! I can’t believe how mean you are! You are the world’s biggest ass!”
“No, that’s Troy. What’s up, Troy?”
“Hey guys.”

Kitchen:
“I’ll tell you one thing. None of these guys is the world’s biggest tipper.”
“I know, can you believe that one guy with all the fur groped me and then said he was going for the world record for most honest mistakes.”

Standing at the bar:
“So what record do you hold?”
“…”
“World’s shortest man. Right. Sorry.”

The Train Ride Back To Columbus

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:54:51 -0500

“Carmen Ohio” is the official alma mater of The Ohio State University. Ohio State lore observes that around the turn of the century, “Carmen Ohio” was written by a freshman named Fred Cornell on the train ride home from an Ohio State vs. Michigan football game—a game that Ohio State lost 86-0.

Come on fellows! Be of high spirits! The match wasn’t all that bad when you look back at it. Right? Our players, they um, they put up a good fight. It’s not easy to keep playing football for four quarters when you are down by eighty-six points, but our players didn’t leave the field! C’mon! Who’s with me? Celebrate full team attendance! No one? I see. I bet if we try really hard, we can find something good to sing about all of this. Throwing things at me will not change today, Charles!

How about we do this, eh? Let me just whip out some parchment and my good quill, and we can get started. Yes Charles, I carried my quill, a roll of parchment, and an inkwell with me to a football match. Well, it doesn’t seem so strange to me. What if a young lady wanted to give me her address so we could begin a correspondence? I have too had a correspondence with a lady! I went to Europe last summer, and I had like six correspondences! All I did was correspond! And they were European girls, who are more advanced at corresponding than American girls. No Charles, you can’t see these letters.

Let’s get this song started. What should the first line sung be? Charles, I should think a whole crowd of people singing those words would cause quite a scandal. It really doesn’t matter if it is easy to rhyme. At what instance would we need to use the word “truckers” in a song about a university football game? I must give you credit, your wordplay does make “truckers” work there. However, I was thinking of something more along the lines of “Oh come let’s sing Ohio’s praise.” And for the next line, “And songs to alma mater raise.” You have a suggestion, Charles? I can see by your gesture what you are making raise, albeit not helpful. Tell you what, if you are going to keep throwing things at me, Charles, I will just go into the next car and finish writing this on my own. Oh look, you got the whole car to applaud my leaving.

One last thing before I go: I will have my satisfaction! I am going to write three verses and you are going to learn all of them! What do you mean people will only learn the first verse? I think time and change will surely show you are mistaken, Charles.

This article appeared in The Lantern on September 30, 2009.

Two New Rec Sports Videos

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:08:32 -0400

Here are two new videos I made for the Department of Rec Sports. Enjoy!

New Video!

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 13:25:09 -0400

New Video!:

Check out this new video!

Keystyle Rebutt

Sun, 31 May 2009 13:05:55 -0400

In response to ElMarko64’s keystyle verse:

Yo it’s Mark, I’m hailin from the 513, and I’m callin out the bluff handed down by Brady. Showin off my mad skills, shurkin off my worst ills, through the lips and back again like I took too many pills. Spittin game like Milton Bradley, rhymes and more but sadly, I can’t quit the lyrics cuz if I do they’ll end badly. Ya know I’m reppin the 8th Floor, longformin’ and then more don’t ask me to confrom cuz that requst I will ignore. I got puns out the dome, now I wanna go home, so just(Alt+M) and I’m ready to roam. Gotta cut a news station so I’ll FireFox, I had Internet Explorer til he caught the smallpox. I stand six feet (That’s three pairs of socks), not a druggie, hate geology cuz I aint down with rocks. You wanna test my wit, step right up and sit, I’ll be gatherin my lyrics gettin ready to spit.

Alright Mark, let’s see what we can do here:

Dear Mark Hale thanks for taking the lead,
Like a trail of Reese’s Piece’s follow like E.T.,
But you’re just on the ground, I’m extra terrestrial,
Prayin’ to get lifted but I’m glued into this vestibule,
Catch a cold, sniffle sneeze, bless you, I thank you please,
Sail on this flow, moving no where with pleasantries,
I am on a boat, but it ain’t no lonely island,
Sky is the limit but I’m starin’ at horizon,
Can you hear me now, I ask you like Verizon,
Can you fear me now, that’s your homework assignment,
Can you beer me now, it’d be divine hoptimus primin’,
That’s the end, hit me up by replyin’.

Bill Cosby's Disco Album

Wed, 20 May 2009 10:00:05 -0400

Bill Cosby's Disco Album:

Normally I don’t like to just post links, but this had to be shared.

Bill Cosby released a disco album in 1977 called Disco Bill, where he basically just talks over disco beats and makes disco interjections like “Good God!” This site has three tracks.

“What Ya Think ‘bout Lickin’ My Chicken” in which Cosby muses all of the different nationalities that eat chicken. He also dares to ask the questions other disco artists shied away from. What do you think about licking his chicken?

“Boogie on Your Face” is the Cos’s sultry seduction of a lady, I think. He talks about leather and mahogany. It gets confusing.

“Rudy” once again tackles the taboos of Cosby’s contemporary society. Actually, its just a two-minute track of Bill Cosby yelling and trying to find some person named Rudy.

Make sure you also take the time to admire the album art. To quote the simple caption coming from Bill Cosby’s unshaven cheek, “Let’s Boogie!”

The Improvfest 2009 Black-outs

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 09:12:14 -0400

The Improvfest 2009 Black-outs

Photo

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:50:33 -0400

The Interrogation

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 00:07:39 -0400

The Interrogation from Matthew Starr on Vimeo

Starring: Peter White, Lindsey Smith, Ian Stroud, Brittany...

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 16:42:17 -0400

Starring: Peter White, Lindsey Smith, Ian Stroud, Brittany Belland, Matt Starr, and Samantha Bowling
Written, Directed, and Edited by: Ben Hollinger
Produced by: Matt Starr

An 8th Floor Improv Sketch

This is the first installment of my new web comic Bear Garden! ...

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 14:43:52 -0400

This is the first installment of my new web comic Bear Garden! I hope you enjoy!

Here is another internal video from The Department of Rec...

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 12:27:56 -0400

Here is another internal video from The Department of Rec Sports. I enjoy these, who knows if anyone else does.

Also, I don’t know why Vimeo is saying its 6:00 long. It’s only 1:30.

Cool, bye!

College Bop

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 14:47:58 -0500

College Bop from Matthew Starr on Vimeo

Is it serendipity? Starring: Matt Starr, Ben Hollinger, and...

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 15:46:19 -0500

Is it serendipity?

Starring: Matt Starr, Ben Hollinger, and Lindsey Smith

Written, Directed, and Edited by: Ian Stroud

Ken Wing works in the Sport Shop at the RPAC, and has worked for...

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 12:27:44 -0500

Ken Wing works in the Sport Shop at the RPAC, and has worked for Ohio State Rec Sports for the past 25 years. He can diagnose the method in which a raquet was broken simply by looking at it. This man is an unappreciated master of his profession, and an incredibly interesting example of the expertise required for what some might assume to be menial. Also, he’s a little kooky.

Ken had zero self-consciousness in sitting and talking in front of a camera. He has a quiet confidence about him that lacks pretense. He washes towels at the RPAC. He wants to tell you all about it.

This is an internal video, meaning it won’t be presented to the public. I want Ken Wing’s short stint in the spotlight to extend further than the reaches of the pro shop.

Let's See How Far We've Come...

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 18:22:00 -0500

Let’s take a look back in time.

The first is a documentary from the spring of 2007 about the 8th Floor Improv group.

The second is the sketch and intro that aired at the beginning of Improvfest 2008.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen these. Remember how great being nostalgic used to be?

The uniform of improvisors everywhere: The Improv...

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:22:34 -0500

The uniform of improvisors everywhere: The Improv Shirt!

Starring: Brady O’Callahan and Joel Weidl
Directed and Edited by: Matt Starr